If you will forÂgive a gross overÂsimÂpliÂfiÂcaÂtion, there are two kinds of peoÂple in this world:
Those (like me) who, havÂing seen Fast Times at RidgeÂmont High the night before the first day of their senior year of high school, made sure to pack carÂrots in their lunchÂboxÂes, and those who were too young to see it in its origÂiÂnal release, posÂsiÂbly because they hadn’t been born yet.
For those of us in the first group, FeelÂin’ A‑Live’s #FastÂTimesÂLive, a virÂtuÂal table read of the script for Cameron Crowe’s 1982 semi-autoÂbiÂoÂgraphÂiÂcal teen sex romp, is a bit of a tough sell, even as a fundraisÂer for two good causÂes: the COVID-19 relief orgaÂniÂzaÂtion CORE and REFORM Alliance, which is dedÂiÂcatÂed to crimÂiÂnal jusÂtice reform and staunchÂing COVID-19’s spread withÂin the incarÂcerÂatÂed popÂuÂlaÂtion.
It’s kind of a mess.
PosÂsiÂbly we’re just crabÂby from all the Zoom perÂforÂmances we’ve watched and takÂen part in over the last 6+ months.
Were we supÂposed to be charmed that this live, unreÂhearsed perÂforÂmance feaÂtured A‑list movie stars, bumÂbling through like regÂuÂlar Joes cirÂca April 2020?
Ray LiotÂta, reprisÂing the late Ray WalÂston’s authorÂiÂty figÂure, Mr. Hand, is hamÂstrung by his old school paper script, ensurÂing that most of his lines will be delivÂered with downÂcast eyes.
Julia Roberts, as 15-year-old heroÂine, StaÂcy, is winÂsomeÂly fresh, but out of focus.
Is it this blurÂriÂness of the techÂniÂcal difÂfiÂculÂties that caused the proÂducÂtion, origÂiÂnalÂly conÂceived of as a feaÂture-length table read, to be re-packÂaged as a sort of highÂlights tribÂute?
(Roberts’ comÂputÂer glitch appears to have been cleared up after orgaÂnizÂer Dane Cook’s first interÂrupÂtion to encourÂage donaÂtions (curÂrentÂly standÂing at a $2,132, which is parÂticÂuÂlarÂly disÂapÂpointÂing givÂen that the film took in $2,545,674 its openÂing weekÂend, in 1992.))
JenÂnifer AnisÂton, in the role origÂiÂnatÂed by SevÂenÂteen modÂel, Phoebe Cates, is preÂdictably funÂny, and also brings proÂfesÂsionÂal qualÂiÂty make up and lightÂing to the proÂceedÂings, but it’s someÂhow unjust that her celebriÂty staÂtus excusÂes her face-obscurÂing hairÂdo. ActressÂes of her genÂerÂaÂtion, lackÂing her star powÂer, plyÂing their trade on Zoom are invariÂably ordered to barÂrette up.
The techÂniÂcal probÂlems were not enough to spare us from a reenÂactÂment of the film’s most notoÂriÂous scene, in which Stacy’s oldÂer brothÂer, origÂiÂnalÂly played by Judge ReinÂhold, now brought to life by Anniston’s ex, Brad Pitt, fanÂtaÂsizes about Cates unclaspÂing her bikiÂni top, only to be barged in on enjoyÂing an extremeÂly priÂvate moment by the very object of those fanÂtasies.
It’s at the 37 minute mark, FYI.
A fitÂting punÂishÂment for those of us who, rememÂberÂing the tabloid headÂlines, eagerÂly focused on Aniston’s face as Pitt was being introÂduced.
It wouldn’t hold a canÂdle to the now-probÂlemÂatÂic origÂiÂnal, if Pitt weren’t blushÂing and MorÂgan FreeÂman weren’t readÂing the stage direcÂtions.
(“Do you want me to use my Lorne Greene sonorous voice or just read like I’m not here?”)
Many viewÂers picked up on the playÂers’ seemÂingÂly cool recepÂtion of their castÂmate, Method actor, Shia LaBeouf, born four years after the origÂiÂnal film’s release. In the role of surfin’ stonÂer, Jeff SpiÂcoli, he was tasked with some very big shoes to fill.
It’s a tribÂute to origÂiÂnal SpiÂcoli, activist Sean Penn’s verÂsaÂtilÂiÂty that he wasn’t forÂevÂer typeÂcast as variÂants on his star makÂing role. As the only memÂber of the origÂiÂnal cast in attenÂdance (as well as the founder of one of the desÂigÂnatÂed charÂiÂties), he alone seems to be enjoyÂing the hell out of LaBeouf’s scene stealÂing antics.
Writer Crowe and direcÂtor Amy HeckÂerÂling dish on his audiÂtion at the end of the proÂceedÂings, and in so doing shed some light on LaBeouf’s eccenÂtricÂiÂties, and the othÂers’ wariÂness.
Even though the stoÂry conÂflicts, someÂwhat, with the castÂing director’s recÂolÂlecÂtion below, we’re willÂing to take it on faith that LaBeouf’s felÂlows’ failÂure to clap for him is as much a part of the joke as Pitt’s game use of iconÂic headÂgear.
Dane Cook hedged his bets in defÂerÂence to those who may not have lived through the periÂod parÂoÂdied by the film:
One more thing, before we start, the big disÂclaimer with a capÂiÂtal D, a whole lot of beliefs and lanÂguage have changed since this came out, so don’t @ us, unless it’s to donate. RememÂber, it was a cerÂtain time and place, and the senÂtiÂments in the script do not reflect the peoÂple readÂing it today. They do reflect the ficÂtionÂal charÂacÂters from an imagÂiÂnary school in a totalÂly make believe stoÂry, got it?
We get it!
The recastÂing with actors the same age as JenÂnifer Jason Leigh (StaÂcy) and Phoebe Cates remains a bitÂter pill, but perÂhaps it spares us all comÂments fixÂatÂing on the ravÂages of time. Instead, we get to hear about the “timeÂless” beauÂty of AnnisÂton and Roberts.
RelatÂed ConÂtent:
DeletÂed Scene from Almost Famous: Mom, “StairÂway to HeavÂen” is Based on the LitÂerÂaÂture of Tolkien
1980s MetÂalÂhead Kids Are Alright: SciÂenÂtifÂic Study Shows That They Became Well-AdjustÂed Adults
10 Tips From BilÂly Wilder on How to Write a Good ScreenÂplay
Ayun HalÂlÂiÂday is an author, illusÂtraÂtor, theÂater makÂer and Chief PriÂmaÂtolÂoÂgist of the East VilÂlage Inky zine. FolÂlow her @AyunHalliday.