Mark Twain Drafts the Ultimate Letter of Complaint (1905)

TwainComplaint

Click above for a larg­er ver­sion of page one and click here to see page two. 

I recent­ly made the mis­take of craft­ing a let­ter of com­plaint that sound­ed much more tem­per­ate than I felt. On the advice of my hus­band, I delet­ed any­thing smack­ing of emo­tion, lim­it­ing my griev­ances to incon­tro­vert­ible fact. A month lat­er and I am still wait­ing for a reply.

Wish that I had let it all hang out, as Mark Twain did in the above 1905 let­ter to J. H. Todd, a snake oil sales­man whose “Elixir of Life” was alleged to cure even the most ter­mi­nal of med­ical con­di­tions. How sat­is­fy­ing it would have been to indulge in phras­es like “idiot of the 33rd degree” and “scion of an ances­tral pro­ces­sion of idiots stretch­ing back to the Miss­ing Link”!

Hav­ing answered phones in cus­tomer ser­vice, I can attest that there are times when such phras­es are mis­di­rect­ed. This was not one of them. Sub­ject your­self to a thor­ough read­ing of the Elixir’s claims (a typog­ra­phy chal­lenge on order of a Dr. Bron­ner’s label) and you will share the author’s out­rage.

Char­la­tans could be dealt with light­ly in lit­er­a­ture—wit­ness Huck­le­ber­ry Finn’s self-pro­claimed Duke—but hav­ing lost chil­dren to two of the dis­eases Tod­d’s potion pur­port­ed to cure, Twain refused to let Todd off the hook in real life. His “unkind state of mind” is as brac­ing as it is war­rant­ed.

Though I doubt he got a reply either.

Tran­scrip­tion:

Nov. 20. 1905

J. H. Todd

1212 Web­ster St.

San Fran­cis­co, Cal.

Dear Sir,

Your let­ter is an insol­u­ble puz­zle to me. The hand­writ­ing is good and exhibits con­sid­er­able char­ac­ter, and there are even traces of intel­li­gence in what you say, yet the let­ter and the accom­pa­ny­ing adver­tise­ments pro­fess to be the work of the same hand. The per­son who wrote the adver­tise­ments is with­out doubt the most igno­rant per­son now alive on the plan­et; also with­out doubt he is an idiot, an idiot of the 33rd degree, and scion of an ances­tral pro­ces­sion of idiots stretch­ing back to the Miss­ing Link. It puz­zles me to make out how the same hand could have con­struct­ed your let­ter and your adver­tise­ments. Puz­zles fret me, puz­zles annoy me, puz­zles exas­per­ate me; and always, for a moment, they arouse in me an unkind state of mind toward the per­son who has puz­zled me. A few moments from now my resent­ment will have fad­ed and passed and I shall prob­a­bly even be pray­ing for you; but while there is yet time I has­ten to wish that you may take a dose of your own poi­son by mis­take, and enter swift­ly into the damna­tion which you and all oth­er patent med­i­cine assas­sins have so remorse­less­ly earned and do so rich­ly deserve.

Adieu, adieu, adieu!

Mark Twain

via Let­ters of Note

Relat­ed Con­tent:

Mark Twain Wrote the First Book Ever Writ­ten With a Type­writer

Mark Twain Shirt­less in 1883 Pho­to

Mark Twain Cap­tured on Film by Thomas Edi­son in 1909. It’s the Only Known Footage of the Author.

Ayun Hal­l­i­day sus­pects Mum­my Pow­der is not an effec­tive treat­ment for epilep­sy. Fol­low her @AyunHalliday

Stevie Ray Vaughan’s Version of “Little Wing” Played on Traditional Korean Instrument, the Gayageum

Ear­li­er this year, we showed you Luna Lee rock­ing out a ver­sion of Jimi Hendrix’s 1968 song “Voodoo Chile” on the tra­di­tion­al Kore­an stringed instru­ment called the Gayageum. Now she’s back with an Asian-inflect­ed ren­di­tion of “Lit­tle Wing,” a song orig­i­nal­ly writ­ten by Hen­drix, but then lat­er cov­ered in a 1991 Gram­my-win­ning ver­sion by the late, great blues­man Ste­vie Ray Vaugh­an. On her YouTube page, Lee tells us that it’s Vaugh­an’s ver­sion that she’s bas­ing her charm­ing pro­duc­tion on.

Relat­ed Con­tent:

Watch Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Voodoo Chile’ Per­formed on a Gayageum, a Tra­di­tion­al Kore­an Instru­ment

The Talk­ing Heads’ “This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)” Per­formed on Tra­di­tion­al Chi­nese Instru­ments

Pak­istani Musi­cians Play Amaz­ing Ver­sion of Dave Brubeck’s Jazz Clas­sic, “Take Five”

The Genius of Albrecht Dürer Revealed in Four Self-Portraits

Age 13:

durer-self-portrait-at-the-age-of-thirteen

The Ger­man artist Albrecht Dür­er (1471–1528) was one of the great­est fig­ures of the North­ern Renais­sance. As a draughts­man and painter, he rivaled his elder con­tem­po­rary Leonar­do Da Vin­ci, and his mas­ter­ful wood­cuts and engrav­ings of myth­i­cal and alle­gor­i­cal scenes made him famous across Europe.

In the first half of his life, Dür­er made a series of exquis­ite self-por­traits. The ear­li­est (above) was made in 1484, when the artist was a pre­co­cious boy of 13. It was drawn in sil­ver­point. Some­time lat­er, he wrote in the upper right-hand cor­ner: “This I have drawn from myself from the look­ing-glass, in the year 1484, when I was still a child — Albrecht Dür­er.” The draw­ing, now in the col­lec­tion of the Alberti­na muse­um in Vien­na, was made at about the time Dür­er became an appren­tice gold­smith in his father’s jew­el­ry shop in Nurem­berg. Much to his father’s dis­ap­point­ment, he would leave the gold­smith shop about a year lat­er to become an appren­tice to the promi­nent Nurem­berg artist and print­mak­er Michael Wol­ge­mut. But the ear­ly expe­ri­ence of work­ing with the tools in the gold­smith shop would prove invalu­able to Dür­er’s lat­er work as an engraver.

Age 22:

Albrecht_Durer_Self-Portrait_age_22_

After Dür­er fin­ished his appren­tice­ship with Woleg­mut at the age of 19, he fol­lowed the tra­di­tion of young artists and embarked on a guild tour of south­ern Ger­many to study the work of var­i­ous artists and print­mak­ers. He was prob­a­bly in Stras­bourg when he paint­ed his “Por­trait of the Artist hold­ing a This­tle” (above) in 1493. He was 22 years old. The por­trait was paint­ed in oil on vel­lum, and was past­ed on can­vas sev­er­al cen­turies lat­er. Johann Wof­gang von Goethe saw the paint­ing in 1805 at a muse­um in Leipzig and was deeply impressed. In 1922 it was pur­chased by the Lou­vre.

“The face still has some of the child­ish fea­tures seen in his ear­ly draw­ing of a Self-Por­trait,” says the Lou­vre Web site, “but the man­ly neck, the strong nose, and the vig­or­ous hands are already those of an adult. Dür­er, who was also an excel­lent engraver, com­posed his works in a very graph­ic fash­ion. The almost metal­lic fine­ness of detail, seen in the prick­les of the this­tle, also recalls his ear­ly train­ing as a gold­smith.”

There are two com­pet­ing the­o­ries about the mean­ing of the paint­ing. Some schol­ars believe it was an engage­ment present for Agnes Frey, whom Dür­er would mar­ry the fol­low­ing year. “In fact,” says the Lou­vre, “the this­tle held by the artist is called ‘Mannstreu’ in Ger­man, which also means ‘hus­band’s fideli­ty.’ This pledge of love would also explain the ele­gance of the cos­tume. The main loop­hole in this hypoth­e­sis is that Dür­er may still have been unaware of the mar­riage, which had been arranged by his father.” A rival the­o­ry is that the this­tle rep­re­sents the crown of thorns from Christ’s Pas­sion. In any case, the artist’s inscrip­tion reads, “Things hap­pen to me as it is writ­ten on high.”

Age 26:

Albrecht_Durer_Self-Portrait_age_26

The sec­ond of Dür­er’s three paint­ed self-por­traits was made in 1498, when he was 26 years old and enter­ing his mature peri­od as a mas­ter artist. Dür­er had made his first of two vis­its to north­ern Italy a few years ear­li­er to study Ital­ian art and math­e­mat­ics. While there, he was impressed and grat­i­fied by the ele­vat­ed social sta­tus grant­ed to great artists. In Ger­many he had been looked down upon as a low­ly crafts­man. “How I shall freeze after this sun!” Dür­er wrote home to his friend Willibald Pir­ck­heimer from Italy. “Here I am a gen­tle­man, at home only a par­a­site.” Upon his return to Nurem­berg, Dür­er assert­ed his new sense of social posi­tion. In the por­trait above he depicts him­self as some­thing of a dandy, with flam­boy­ant dress and a haughty bear­ing. The paint­ing was made in oil on a wood pan­el, and now resides in the Museo del Pra­do in Madrid.

Age 28:

Albrecht_Durer_Self-Portrait_age_28_

The Christ-like self-por­trait above was paint­ed in 1500, short­ly before Dür­er’s 29th birth­day. The paint­ing was made in oil on a wood­en pan­el, and is now in the col­lec­tion of the Alte Pinakothek in Munich. Unlike his ear­li­er self-por­traits, which were com­posed in the cus­tom­ary three-quar­ters view, Dür­er’s self-por­trait of 1500 depicts the artist faced square­ly toward the view­er — a pose usu­al­ly reserved at that time for images of Christ. His hand, touch­ing the fur col­lar of his coat, brings to mind the ges­tures of bless­ing in reli­gious icons. The high­ly sym­met­ric com­po­si­tion draws atten­tion to the eyes, which gaze direct­ly at the view­er. The artist’s mono­gram, “AD,” and the Latin inscrip­tion — “I, Albrecht Dür­er of Nurem­berg, por­trayed myself in ever­last­ing col­ors aged twen­ty-eight years” — are placed at eye-lev­el to strength­en the effect. The year “1500” is writ­ten direct­ly above the mono­gram, giv­ing the “AD” a sec­ond mean­ing as Anno Domi­ni, which fur­ther rein­forces the con­nec­tion between Dür­er and Christ. The art his­to­ri­an Joseph Koern­er has sug­gest­ed that the entire com­po­si­tion, from the tri­an­gu­lar out­line of the frontal like­ness to the curve of Dür­er’s fin­gers, echoes the over­ar­ch­ing “A” and nes­tled “D” of the artist’s mono­gram. “Noth­ing we see in a Dür­er is not Dür­er’s,” writes Koern­er, “mono­gram or not.”

The Relativity Series Features 24 Free Plays About Great Scientists and Scientific Endeavors

RelativitySeries

I grew up lis­ten­ing to radio plays, keep­ing in high rota­tion vin­tage broad­casts of shows like Sus­pense, Amos ‘n Andy, and Drag­net. These stoked in me a fas­ci­na­tion with the medi­um of radio, and they also taught me a thing or two about life in ear­ly 20th-cen­tu­ry Amer­i­ca — most­ly lessons, by way of the com­mer­cials, about its var­i­ous con­sumer prod­ucts (usu­al­ly soaps). With the mod­ern inter­net, kids today can not only lis­ten to their fill of old-time radio pro­grams essen­tial­ly with­out effort — no boot­leg cas­sette tapes for them, like I had to use — but eas­i­ly find new­er, more inno­v­a­tive, and I dare­say more inter­est­ing audio pro­duc­tions as well. Case in point: the Los Ange­les The­atre Works’ Rel­a­tiv­i­ty Series, offer­ing sci­ence-themed plays you can lis­ten to free online, fea­tur­ing per­for­mances by well-known actors like Alfred Moli­na, Jason Rit­ter, and Ed Asner.

But don’t mis­take any of the Rel­a­tiv­i­ty Series’ 24 cur­rent­ly avail­able pro­duc­tions as straight­for­ward­ly “edu­ca­tion­al.” Know­ing that no lis­ten­er, man, woman, or child, wants a sim­ple physics or biol­o­gy les­son tart­ed up with a thin scrim of dra­ma, the pro­duc­ers have instead record­ed new ver­sions of full-fledged works for the stage that hap­pen to have sci­en­tif­ic themes or involve events and play­ers from the his­to­ry of sci­ence. How it delight­ed me to find, for instance, Tom Stop­pard’s Arca­dia in the Rel­a­tiv­i­ty Series. Stop­pard, per­haps the most intel­lec­tu­al­ly omniv­o­rous writer alive, became a fas­ci­na­tion of mine around the same time I delved into old-time radio, and Arca­dia remains the finest play deal­ing with chaos the­o­ry to take place on an Eng­lish coun­try estate in two cen­turies at once. Oth­er pro­duc­tions deal with the lives of sci­en­tists like Alan Tur­ing and Richard Feyn­man as well as events like the Scopes Mon­key Tri­al and the devel­op­ment of the atom­ic bomb. Above, you can lis­ten to a unique per­for­mance where mem­bers of the Star Trek cast recre­ate Orson Welles’ dra­mat­ic 1938 “War of the Worlds” broad­cast.

You can access all 24 plays in the Rel­a­tiv­i­ty Series here.

via Metafliter

Relat­ed Con­tent:

Orson Welles Vin­tage Radio: The War of the Worlds That Pet­ri­fied a Nation

Wern­er Her­zog and Cor­mac McCarthy Talk Sci­ence and Cul­ture

Ira Glass on the Art and Craft of Telling Great Radio Sto­ries

Neil deGrasse Tyson’s StarTalk Radio Show Pod­cast Tack­les the His­to­ry of Video Games

Col­in Mar­shall hosts and pro­duces Note­book on Cities and Cul­ture and writes essays on lit­er­a­ture, film, cities, Asia, and aes­thet­ics. He’s at work on a book about Los Ange­lesA Los Ange­les Primer. Fol­low him on Twit­ter at @colinmarshall.

Cutting-Edge Technology Reconstructs the Battle of Gettysburg 150 Years Later

IsometricalGettysburg

Today, as the U.S. cel­e­brates the “nation’s birth­day,” we also round the cor­ner of the 150th anniver­sary of Get­tys­burg, the blood­i­est and arguably most deci­sive bat­tle of an inter­nal strug­gle that nev­er ceas­es to haunt the nation­al psy­che. With over 50,000 Union and Con­fed­er­ate sol­diers killed, injured, gone miss­ing, or cap­tured dur­ing the days of July 1–3, 1863, his­to­ri­ans con­tin­ue to pore over the most minute details of the bat­tle strate­gies of Gen­er­als Lee and Meade. Today’s dig­i­tal imag­ing and satel­lite tech­nol­o­gy means that our views of the action are in many ways far supe­ri­or to any­thing com­man­ders on the field could have hoped for.

Since 2000, the Nation­al Park Ser­vice has used mil­i­tary engi­neer­ing tech­niques to restore the his­toric bat­tle­field to some­thing resem­bling its 1863 state, and, in the past few years, car­tog­ra­phers and researchers Anne Kel­ly Knowles, Dan Miller, Alex Tait, and Allen Car­roll have ana­lyzed new and old maps of the Penn­syl­va­nia ter­rain in and around Get­tys­burg to get a renewed appre­ci­a­tion for what the gen­er­als could and could not see dur­ing the con­flict. Con­fed­er­ate offi­cers had their views obstruct­ed not only by lim­it­ed map­ping tech­nol­o­gy and rel­a­tive field posi­tions, but also by their own com­mu­ni­ca­tion fail­ures. As Knowles points out at the Smithsonian’s web­site:

We know that Con­fed­er­ate gen­er­al Robert E. Lee was vir­tu­al­ly blind at Get­tys­burg, as his for­mer­ly bril­liant cav­al­ry leader J.E.B. Stu­art failed to inform him of Fed­er­al posi­tions, and Con­fed­er­ate scouts’ recon­nais­sance was poor. The Con­fed­er­ates’ field posi­tions, gen­er­al­ly on low­er ground than Yan­kee posi­tions, fur­ther put Lee at a dis­ad­van­tage. A strik­ing con­trast in visu­al per­cep­tion came when Union Gen. Gou­vernour K. War­ren spot­ted Con­fed­er­ate troops from Lit­tle Round Top and called in rein­force­ments just in time to save the Fed­er­al line.

Using so-called GIS (Geo­graph­ic Infor­ma­tion Sys­tems), Knowles and her team are able to show what was hid­den from the sol­ders’ views dur­ing such key moments as Pickett’s Charge. The team used sev­er­al peri­od maps, like the 1863 “iso­met­ri­cal draw­ing” at the top, in their recon­struc­tions. They also used satel­lite images from NASA, includ­ing the May 2013 pic­ture below from the Oper­a­tional Land Imager (OLI). You can see Knowles and her team’s painstak­ing geo­graph­i­cal and topo­graph­ic recon­struc­tions of the coun­try’s costli­est rift at the Smith­son­ian Magazine’s site.

gettysburg_oli_2013134

Relat­ed Con­tent:

Hiroshi­ma Atom­ic Bomb­ing Remem­bered with Google Earth

The Get­tys­burg Address Ani­mat­ed

Behold Charles Laughton Deliv­er­ing the Get­tys­burg Address in its Entire­ty in Rug­gles of Red Gap

Josh Jones is a writer and musi­cian based in Wash­ing­ton, DC. Fol­low him at @jdmagness

Teacher Wears Same Groovy Outfit In Yearbook Photo 40 Years Straight

In 1973, Dale Irby, a teacher at Pre­ston­wood Ele­men­tary in Dal­las, decid­ed to wear a poly­ester shirt and cof­fee-col­ored sweater for school-pic­ture day. With­out real­iz­ing it, he wore the same out­fit the fol­low­ing year. Accord­ing to the Dal­las News, Dale’s wife noticed the emerg­ing trend and dared him to do it a third year. And then they fig­ured, ‘Why stop?’ The tra­di­tion con­tin­ued 40 years in total, until Dale and his out­fit retired this year.

via Mash­able

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Great Moments in Computer History: Douglas Engelbart Presents “The Mother of All Demos” (1968)

Dou­glas Engel­bart, a tech­nol­o­gy pio­neer best known for his inven­tion of the com­put­er mouse, died in Ather­ton, Cal­i­for­nia on Wednes­day. He was 88 years old. Engel­bart began work­ing at the Stan­ford Research Insti­tute (SRI Inter­na­tion­al) in 1957, and there, accord­ing to John Markof­f’s obit­u­ary in The New York Times, he began try­ing to make the com­put­er screen “a work­sta­tion that would orga­nize all the infor­ma­tion and com­mu­ni­ca­tions for a giv­en project.” It’s a con­cept we take for grant­ed today. But it was con­sid­ered far-fetched back then. A decade lat­er, Engel­bart brought us all into the world of inter­ac­tive com­put­ing and graph­ic inter­faces when, in 1968, he pre­sent­ed what’s now called “The Moth­er of All Demos.” You can watch it in its entire­ty above. Stan­ford’s Mous­eSite sets the stage for what you’re going to see:

On Decem­ber 9, 1968, Dou­glas C. Engel­bart and the group of 17 researchers work­ing with him in the Aug­men­ta­tion Research Cen­ter at Stan­ford Research Insti­tute in Men­lo Park, CA, pre­sent­ed a 90-minute live pub­lic demon­stra­tion of the online sys­tem, NLS, they had been work­ing on since 1962. The pub­lic pre­sen­ta­tion was a ses­sion of the Fall Joint Com­put­er Con­fer­ence held at the Con­ven­tion Cen­ter in San Fran­cis­co, and it was attend­ed by about 1,000 com­put­er pro­fes­sion­als. This was the pub­lic debut of the com­put­er mouse. But the mouse was only one of many inno­va­tions demon­strat­ed that day, includ­ing hyper­text, object address­ing and dynam­ic file link­ing, as well as shared-screen col­lab­o­ra­tion involv­ing two per­sons at dif­fer­ent sites com­mu­ni­cat­ing over a net­work with audio and video inter­face.

If you want to get right to the action, you can watch the sec­tion where Engel­bart demos the mouse here, plus see pic­tures of his orig­i­nal mouse here. Through the links below, you can relive oth­er great moments in com­put­ing his­to­ry.

Relat­ed Con­tent:

Pong, 1969: A Mile­stone in Video Game His­to­ry

The First 3D Dig­i­tal Film Cre­at­ed by Ed Cat­mull, Co-Founder of Pixar (1970)

The First Piz­za Ordered by Com­put­er, 1974

Steve Jobs Demos the First Mac­in­tosh in 1984

Watch the World’s Old­est Work­ing Dig­i­tal Com­put­er — the 1951 Har­well Deka­tron — Get Fired Up Again

Watch Franz Kafka, the Wonderful Animated Film by Piotr Dumala


Let’s sneak in a quick birth­day cel­e­bra­tion before the 4th. Franz Kaf­ka was born on this day (July 3), a good 130 years ago. To com­mem­o­rate the occa­sion, we’re pre­sent­ing Piotr Dumala’s 1992 short ani­mat­ed film called, quite sim­ply, Franz Kaf­ka. Dumala’s ani­ma­tion tech­nique grew out of his train­ing as a sculp­tor, when he start­ed exper­i­ment­ing with scratch­ing images into paint­ed plas­ter. Lat­er he devel­oped a more full blown method known as “destruc­tive ani­ma­tion,” which is on full dis­play in the film. You can learn more about Dumala and his approach here. The 16-minute film is based on The Diaries of Franz Kaf­ka, and now appears in our col­lec­tion of 525 Free Movies Online. Also on our site, you can view Dumala’s adap­ta­tion of Dos­to­evsky’s Crime and Pun­ish­ment.

Note: This film/post orig­i­nal­ly appeared on our site in 2010. Still enam­ored by Dumala’s work, we thought it was time to bring it back.

If you would like to sign up for Open Culture’s free email newslet­ter, please find it here. Or fol­low our posts on Threads, Face­book, BlueSky or Mastodon.

If you would like to sup­port the mis­sion of Open Cul­ture, con­sid­er mak­ing a dona­tion to our site. It’s hard to rely 100% on ads, and your con­tri­bu­tions will help us con­tin­ue pro­vid­ing the best free cul­tur­al and edu­ca­tion­al mate­ri­als to learn­ers every­where. You can con­tribute through Pay­Pal, Patre­on, and Ven­mo (@openculture). Thanks!

Relat­ed Con­tent:

Kafka’s Night­mare Tale, ‘A Coun­try Doc­tor,’ Told in Award-Win­ning Japan­ese Ani­ma­tion

Vladimir Nabokov (Chan­nelled by Christo­pher Plum­mer) Teach­es Kaf­ka at Cor­nell

Nabokov Makes Edi­to­r­i­al Improve­ments to Kafka’s The Meta­mor­pho­sis

Find works by Kaf­ka in our Free eBooks and Free Audio Books col­lec­tions

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